Grief in the Resistance

Grief is one of those mixes of feelings that I know all too well. As someone who has navigated deep loss, I have learned to not avoid grief because it has a way of sticking around if you do. I always remember that the hard parts of grieving are directly connected to being able to love deeply - loving other beings and cultivating hope for a better world. And grief is not just tied to the loss of beings, but also losses in various ways like the loss of the possibility of having a woman president right now that could have been doing so many wonderful things that align with my values. I also know that the only way out is through, and that avoidance of grief will prolong the suffering.

This past week was a hard one. I could feel the grief under the surface. For days, I could sense it building. There were twinges of pain and sadness when I looked at the symbols of what could have been - the “I voted” stickers we stuck up in our living room after Election Day last fall, the “Harris/Walz” yard sign flapping in the intense wind because I can’t bear to take it down. I still believe in the promise of a better world, and part of grieving the loss of where we could be vs. what is actually happening is part of being human right now.

I could feel the grief getting closer to the surface when I felt overwhelmed and disappointed in those engaging in what I now have coined resistancewashing. To me, resistancewashing is the practice of pretending to call something an act of resistance when there is no actual action involved as a way of virtue signaling. For example, I see people expressing thoughts and opinions about the current state of the world on the daily, including through memes and sharing articles on social media, but not actually doing things. It’s like having a “concept of an action” without actually taking action.

To be clear, I believe acts of resistance can take many different forms. Attending and organizing protests, making phone calls, writing letters, sending emails, attending town halls, getting involved in local politics, volunteering for nonprofits and mutual aid groups, creating and sharing art, having difficult conversations with family and friends, offering support for those who are organizing, providing healing for those most impacted – these are all acts of resistance. I do believe there is no act too small, nor is everything we do on a daily basis an act of resistance. All actions matter, but the key here is actions, not words. I question those who are not major influencers who believe that sharing on social media is akin to the acts of resistance I see happening in amazing ways in communities right now. I find it challenging to hear people express outrage while choosing to not take action (please see Outrage is Fine, Inaction is Unacceptable). It feels reminiscent of all those who express “thoughts and prayers” after mass shootings, yet don’t actually do anything to change the conditions that would reduce the likelihood of loss of life to begin with.

I saw a prime example of resistancewashing last week: an influencer on social media asked people to purchase a reservation for an international trip which they called “Resistance Is Travel”. Huh? Travel is not resistance! What really got under my skin was that this travel opportunity was being pitched to LGBTQ+ people. I rolled my eyes and mumbled to myself, “Read the room!” Trans folks are being denied passports and there are reports that trans folks are not being let (back) into this country. Trans people are literally fearing for their lives while seeing both state- and federal-level actions and proposals that legally discriminate against them. Queer people are also afraid of losing legal rights. Travel is not top of mind for many of us, let alone international travel. And given the economy, there is the reality of figuring out how to keep surviving with massive layoffs and everything costing more. Budgeting for travel is nowhere on my list of priorities right now.

There are other, more feasible and practical forms of resistance. Rest is resistance. Joy is resistance. Booking international travel to “get away” during a constitutional crisis? That’s an action, but it’s not resistance: it’s an action rooted in privilege, and antithetical to how I want to be in the world right now. (Note of nuance: I understand if someone booked an international trip before all of this, that it might make the most sense to go ahead and take that trip. But to ask LGBTQ+ people to purchase an international trip in March 2025 and calling that resistance makes no sense whatsoever to me.)

So my grief continued to grow over the days and finally reached the surface when I was in a meeting with people more powerful and influential than me, who had previously committed to equity and justice, but who were now expressing the whole “we need to play nice” nonsense. This was after I released last week’s Where Is The Line?:  A special message to nonprofits, and  trying to explain the meaning of values and integrity felt unproductive in this particular conversation. Their placating was specifically around supporting nonprofits to make changes to their public-facing messaging with regard to diversity, equity, and inclusion to minimize conflict with the federal government at the cost of hurting and even erasing marginalized populations. It got to me because it was an example of how quick people are to voice their values and when the going gets tough, their actions send a different message. This is another loss to grieve - seeing people who voiced their values previously whose actions are now showing a different set of values.

I felt the grief surface as a mixture of profound sadness, anger, and frustration. What would it take for people to take action? Why are some putting their heads in the sand? Why are some people choosing to be “nice” over kind and brave? Why are some stuck in a state of righteousness with an “I told you so” attitude, seemingly okay with all of us suffering just to punish those who voted for the current president? Why are some succumbing to fascism and setting us all up for a self-fulfilling prophecy? What will it take to get people out of a state of resistancewashing and calling everyday activities an act of resistance to virtue signal to others? 

So at the end of the week, I did what I needed to do. I got into the softest clothes imaginable and made a ginormous bowl of popcorn. I wrapped myself up tightly in a blanket like a burrito and turned off all of the lights. I then watched Star Wars: The Last Jedi to decompress. I had forgotten that there is so much symbolism in the Star Wars series and that it’s highly applicable to our current state. Mainly, I took note of The Resistance and how there was such diversity of people, including those from many planets and in different bodies and how everyone who was willing to take action was invited in. And when there was no hope left, they kept going – and most importantly, they did it together. (As an aside, it was also not lost upon me that “The Force” is a really great description of somatics and understanding embodiment!)

The thing I know about grief is, the more you can surrender and let yourself just feel it, the faster you can move through it. And the universe has a funny way of giving you just what you need when you need it most: In the midst of feeling the sadness and frustration, a friend randomly texted to check in. It was just what I needed, and a valuable reminder we are not alone and we are allowed to take a break from the resistance to grieve. 

I decided to give myself a couple of days of just being and feeling. The more I felt, the more I let go. And the more I let go, the more I was ready to be back in the resistance. By the weekend, I was all in again and joined friends for some resistance action. It’s such an interesting time to be alive, as there are those I have known for a long time who can still surprise, including those who are willing to show up and really be in their integrity. I know when I look back on this time, I will never forget those who stood shoulder to shoulder with me speaking up for what we believed. That is a gift I will never take for granted.

As I close out this post, I want to share this quote from Rose Tico from Star Wars: The Last Jedi: “We're going to win this war not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love!” I will continue to be in the fight protecting the freedoms and rights for all of us, including those who are not taking action to speak up for me. Please remember it is not too late to join the resistance – we need you!

Still don’t know what you can do? Check out 42 Roles for Effective Political Resistance from Demand Democracy.