Holding Back Change
Days ago, millions of Americans took to the streets to speak up against tyranny in the United States and rally for democracy and freedom for all. The photos this week juxtaposing millions in the streets and at the same time, the White House being illegally torn apart (both literally and metaphorically) sums up America at this moment. I believe we are standing on the precipice of such possibility in this country and at the same time, it’s incredibly hard to watch the increasing hardships unequally placed on people across this nation.
To realize change for America and fulfill the American dream of life, liberty, and justice for all, we must change at different scales - in our families, our friend groups, our workplaces, our community-based groups, and where we spend our dollars. As someone who works with a variety of groups and teams locally and around the country, there are two patterns of behavior that I believe are really holding back change: niceness and unsatisfiability. Niceness tends to be surrounded by performative, outward behavior that “everything is great.” Unsatisfiability shows up as the unending expression that everyone and everything else needs to change and “nothing is good enough.” Although these behaviors can look quite different and seem unrelated on the surface, I think these two things are related to an underlying fear of feeling uncomfortable paired with a refusal for personal accountability.
“Everything is great” niceness
Several weeks ago, I arrived a few minutes early for a meeting. In a side conversation with an individual, we discussed an initiative we both were peripherally involved in. We shared that although there were good intentions involved in this initiative, the impact of inexperience and siloing was leading to unintended negative consequences. We both expressed the need for something significant to shift. Later on in the meeting, this same individual voiced to the group how great and wonderful this initiative was. Huh? That was not at all what this person had said to me and now, while others were listening, the story had changed. This is peak niceness to me. The whole “everything is great.” It’s this kind of wishy-washiness that leads to a lack of incentive to change.
Malcolm X said, “A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything.” (Let’s just replace that word “man” with “person” to be inclusive.) This has been a frustration of mine since entering the workforce. People love to whisper what they supposedly really think behind the scenes and then show up with niceness and appear wishy-washy in groups. When people speak nicely of everyone and every other group publicly but then whisper something different behind the scenes, I don’t know what they really stand for. I can literally think of hundreds of times I have witnessed this happening and as someone who continuously strives to live my values and be in my integrity, I find this confusing. When you question the effectiveness of an initiative in a side conversation and then promote the same initiative to a larger group, it doesn’t make sense. What do you really believe? Why even bring the initiative up to the group? Although strategic, purposeful public criticism can be effective, sometimes saying nothing is the most powerful option of all. But when “everything is great”, then really nothing is great and people unintentionally give credibility to the things in the world that really aren’t so wonderful.
A year ago, when I wrote But why can’t we just unite? A look at the paradox of tolerance, I believe I was touching on this concept of niceness, just with a different angle. When people pull the whole “we all just need to get along” line, it’s almost a sure sign that an individual doesn’t want to feel discomfort so is trying to get others to play nice instead of dealing with their own discomfort. That discomfort keeps people from contributing towards change for a better world for everyone. It’s a trade off of giving in to niceness for a few moments of comfort at the cost of keeping the status quo which doesn’t work for the vast majority of us.
When I see others in meetings only showing up with niceness, not advocating for change, and being wishy-washy, it leaves me with not knowing what people’s values really are. Not knowing where people stand leads to growing mistrust. Brene Brown says it so well with “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Speaking your truth with kindness and respect is necessary for change. It doesn’t mean that you’re going to change anyone’s minds, but niceness keeps everything the same. Being kind can be hard and uncomfortable, but do you know what is even more uncomfortable? Watching our democracy torn apart and people suffering for decreased access to basic needs like clean air and water, housing, food, and healthcare. For those of us with more privilege, there is no better time than now to show up with kindness over niceness.
“Nothing is good enough” unsatisfiability
Seemingly unrelated to niceness is the concept of unsatisfiability. Being unsatisfiable shows up as the ongoing, relentless critic in a space. Now, I’m not talking about those of us who question things or offer critical feedback with kindness and the motivation for change, but rather those who are never satisfied with what “is” at any moment. When we can’t take moments to be satisfied and celebrate wins that reflect change, even small change, then it’s easy to get stuck in a mindset of “nothing is good enough”. The ongoing unsatisfied critic in the room can unintentionally squash the joy, celebration, and even rest out of a group that’s necessary for continued growth.
As a facilitator, this shows up for me with those who come at me not with curiosity or a motivation to build a relationship, but rather to tell me everything I did wrong in their eyes. There’s a nuance here because I’m someone who loves to keep growing and evolving and I depend upon feedback for ongoing improvement. I also interact with lots of people regularly from whom I seek advice and perspective. Every once in a while, I encounter someone who tells me what they think I did wrong which is actually more a reflection of them being uncomfortable in a space. When I’m facilitating groups, I’m sometimes privy to information that not everyone else is and I have to make split-second decisions to best hold space for the entire group and sometimes those decisions might not meet an individual’s needs. This can result in people feeling uncomfortable. I have had great conversations with people who approach the discussion with curiosity around asking why I make certain decisions and I’ve had difficult conversations with those that come with an attitude of righteousness and being unsatisfied.
Being unsatisfied is holding up progress in progressive spaces. Maurice Mitchell described this condition so well as maximalism:
Considering anything less than the most idealistic position as a betrayal of core values and evidence of corruption, cowardice, lack of commitment, or vision. Relatedly, a righteous refusal to engage with people who do not already share our views and values.
I see this show up in organizations where there are certain individuals who never offer a hint of gratitude for what others are investing in changework, paired with an ongoing attitude of “it’s never good enough.” This can be particularly demoralizing for organizations implementing change like truly operationalizing organizational values, taking steps for more inclusive practices, offering more compensation and benefits for staff, and finding new ways to support employee wellness. When some individuals can’t take a moment to acknowledge growth and are pulling people back to an idea of perfection that’s unreasonable, then decision makers can end up supporting less change out of fear that whatever they’d do won’t be good enough. We can still want, and take action for, change while having moments of being satisfied and celebrating successes along the way.
Discomfort and lacking accountability
I believe underneath both the “everything is great” niceness and “nothing is good enough” unsatisfiability is a tendency away from feeling discomfort. This is also a way people can absolve themselves from personal accountability. Both niceness and being unsatisfiable can help us avoid the often necessary discomfort we need to feel to effect change. Both of these mindsets place the burden of change on others.
When someone expresses that “everything is great”, then nothing needs to change, including them. And when someone continually expresses that “nothing is good enough”, then change lies with everyone else, and that individual does not need to take personal accountability for their role in the change. This lack of personal accountability is directly linked to both of these mindsets; when people take personal accountability, it goes more in the direction of “this is not good enough” and here is the role I am playing in the change. Then it’s also much easier to feel moments of being satisfied along the way.
Finding the balance
Being in “everything is great” or “it’s never good enough” is detrimental to change. We need to find the in-between of “there’s still more change needed and let’s also celebrate the change that has happened”.
It’s critical that we all check ourselves to see if we are in an “everything is great” or “nothing is good enough” mindset. If so, take a minute to be in the discomfort of not saying anything at all and get clear what aligns with your values before speaking.
For me, there is a kind of beauty in wanting change and working towards change while celebrating the wins as they come. When we can do both, we can keep growing and be able to restore ourselves to be in change for the long term.